I was gonna go get hitched, but then I got high

Barbara: Wow, Greg. We really thought this would be a good idea, didn't we?

Greg: I remember the night we came up with the plan. Your lesson had gone terribly that morning. Your meeting with your supervisor had gone worse, and the only thing waiting for you when you got home was your grant application rejection.

Barbara: We smoked a lot of pot that night.

Greg: You wanted to get married right away. You said it would be smarter to combine our incomes.

Barbara: Wasn't it?

Greg: You said we could have the party in your supervisor's backyard

and get the first years to cater.



And what would look nicer for a fall wedding than your new patterned dress and dark tights?


Barbara: Did we really get Justin to officiate?



Greg: You insisted.

Barbara: But hadn't he JUST defended?

Greg: He read from his dissertation at the ceremony. Don't you remember?


Barbara: Greg, we smoked a lot of pot that night, too.

Greg: Yeah. The cake was too small.

Barbara: Aww! The newbies remembered that I love tomatoes!

Honor Chair

Is that what I think it is?

Is that LOVE CHAIR?

A GIANT love chair at the honor table for the bride and groom? That is both padded and made of white pleather??

I mean, let's not kid ourselves, if I had it my way I would probably spend my entire wedding reception sitting on an (elevated) throne, sans honor table.

But this is just....strange?

For that "Jeans and a T-shirt" kind of couple...

Loyal reader "Ro" recently came across this set of pictures, and couldn't resist the urge to share it with the rest of the WB community.

I was thinking of the different ways I could possible introduce this post, and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I am at a loss for words.

Just take a look for yourselves:

and this:

one more:

Ok. Like, WTF??

Besides the obvious (this is both ridiculous and completely unacceptable / are you both insane? / this is taking flip-flop wearing brides to a whole new level / why are you both dressed exactly alike / you look like 12 year old siblings who have to pose for one of those tacky family photos from Sears), I just think that this is a total slap in the face to all your guests.

Your guests who got all dolled up for your damn "special" day. Who got their hair did. Who got their nails did. Who are stuffed in their Spanx. Who are wearing killer footwear. Who are decked in their most uncomfortable suit and tie.

THIS is how you thank them?

By being unable to last in your wedding dress and tux past the ceremony??

Shame on you.

Shame on you both.

I am completely BORED by you.

Adventures in Overkill

Ah yes.

The Art of Overdoingit.

While there some brides who bore me to tears, there exists another subset of brides who seem to want to do it all. While doing it all wrong.

Whatever do I mean?

Let me give you some visuals to work with.

Exhibit A:

Purple and Yellow. Yellow and Purple. Paired with the stiffest and most uncomfortable looking fabric ever. This is so matchy-matchy, my eyes are actually crying purple and yellow tears. And yet - do these shades even match? And what is up with all the different types of bouquets? Are those two MOHs? Why is that child holding a purse? Oh god. Is she a junior bridesmaid (let those words never be seen or spoken again)? This bride tried so hard to be cohesive that her bridal party just ended up looking like one hot mess.

Exhibit B:

This has to be a joke, right? I mean all those pleats. And silver. And sequins. And wind. Why, bride? Why? I think I would flat-out kill my wedding photographer if he would even suggest such a heinous pose. Also, I'm pretty sure the MOH got her fan at one of the stands they have outside of the Vatican.

Exhibit C:

Ack! I mean, I understand that the leather-jacket-over-dress look is trendy now, but this is styled completely wrong. The whole point of this look is for something very "tough" and "edgy" to be paired with something "soft" and "girly". So, if this was what the bride was going for, she should have chosen a more delicate and flowy bridesmaid dress in a lighter shade. This style of dress seems so "heavy" that the leather jacket simply brings it down even more. Also, this look is supposed to seem effortless, so those sleeves should be rolled up in a very haphazard way. I find it strange that the girls each have different jackets - I mean, the girl next to the MOH is wearing one that is way too long and the blonde bridesmaid at the end might actually have one with a hood! It's all so atrocious and overproduced. Not to mention that when you decide to have 10 bridesmaids, you should not have them in identical dresses because your bridal party ends up looking like some sort of weird army. Lastly, I don't even want to get into the bride's leather jacket or her boobilicious laced-up bustier top. Yet, when I look at her bridal party, should I even be surprised?

Overkill.

Get it now?

Three Strikes

I knew I hated this wedding the minute I laid eyes on the first online set of photos documenting it. Hate. All of it. In a big way. It wasn't until album 3 (of 3), however, that I decided it was egregious enough to post about. After all, we at WB don't like to waste our posts on only lukewarm offenses: if we have nothing bad (or nothing exceptionally wonderful) to say, we prefer saying nothing at all. I wasn't sure, at first, that I had anything SO bad to say. Now I'm sure (and how could I not be?)

So, here are the bridesmaids and their gowns:


I think it's clear that I disagree with this gaudy-that-borders-on-tacky choice. I don't like the jewels on the few girls who are wearing them. I like that the dresses are short and tailored to each maid, but I don't like much else about them.

Still, with the flowers (only poorly showcased here), things could be worse.

And together, it made for a sort of nice effect.

But then there was this:

x2.

TWO matrons of honour in TWO atrocious attempts at modern-ancient Grecian numbers in a hideously mismatched colour and fabric? TWO floor-length disasters in chiffon? Wow.

And then there was my prom date:


and again:

I only wish you could see his face and all eight of his chins. I no longer feel so bad about losing touch with him 9 years ago.

I decided recently that I deal well with young people (under 10), old people (over 70) and animals (mostly dogs). Everyone in between, I don't really care for. The flower-girl at this reception, though she matched with no one, melted my heart with her dance skills.

And thank God she was there to save the sinking ship. 20 years from now, when planning her own wedding, she'll look back at these photos gratefully as a reminder of what NOT to do.

Then she'll hide and/or burn them all.

Ahead by a Century

is a great song by The Tragically Hip.

This headband

is behind by two decades by a bride who is Tragically Trying Too Hard, and obviously failing.

(The over-crystalled bodice? The plastic tablecloth cascading in greasy ruffles in pseudo-skirt form? The mismatched earrings? The offensive hairdo? The unoriginal bouquet? The headband is maybe the least of this bride's concerns.)

There were subtler - and much, much prettier - options available to you, bride.

(I know you can see an "epic guide" in the making.)

Leo?

I really wanted to comment on this bride's dress, because the skirt seems kinda pretty - so lightweight and flowy.

But I became way too distracted by her groom.

Listen up, Groom. You are NOT Leonardo DiCaprio at the Romeo + Juliet premiere.

So do us all a favor - button up and put on tie.

Where's my beer, woman?

Because who wouldn't want their MOH to look like white trash?

Tacky red dress AND cornrows?

Yes, please!

Wardrobe Malfunction

Dear Bride,

The tie fastens up under the skirt. (It's not really that cute as a bracelet).

Dear guest,

Your underwear is showing. The washroom's around the corner.

Much love,

WB

Scroll-Down Bridal Fail

Oh, bride. You were doing so well. The flower in your hair, the cinch belt at the waist, the pretty but not overly ornate sweetheart-cut bodice ... I mean, the skirt's a bit of a snore, but whatever. Overall, you looked solid.

What on EARTH is on your feet? Where was your MOH and her intervention team when you bought these?

1995 called: it wants its confirmation shoes back.

Bridal Flop

Time for a reader pop quiz. This one's easy: we know you can get it.

Q: What's worse than flip-flops on a bridesmaid?

(see answer key if necessary)

edirb eht no spolf-pilf detnecca :A

10 points if you got it right.

Priorities

When planning a wedding, we at WB will be the first to tell you that it is important to prioritise: develop an itemised list of things to do or concepts to explore, then streamline, shortlist, rearrange. It's a formula that never goes wrong.

Consider:

Plastic chairs and dollar-store decorations: check.

Lack-lustre (and mismatched) colour scheme for groom and groomsmen: check.

For table (plus underwhelming centerpiece): check.

Garish flip-flops for bridesmaids: check.

Flower girl's hand-made seating arrangement chart: check.

Open bar: check.

Candy bar and croquet: check, check.

Honestly. How did "candy bar" make it next-to-LAST on this list (asks the woman disapprovingly watching the flip-flop-clad BM make her way down the aisle. Jesus. Where's my sour kids after that?)?

Love Handles

BM1: I shouldn't have eaten so much at lunch ...

BM2: Whatever. You're not even that bad. My pastrami-on-rye is showing straight through my spanks.

BM1: Really, Kristen? You made us all wear SPANDEX? Seriously?

BM2: I know, right? Like, she keeps our dresses knee-length and cleavage-conservative but gets them in the tightest, most unforgiving fabric known to man.

BM1: I mean, we all like to bike, it's true, but I like to save my spandex for the road.

BM3: Am I the only one who's really happy about these flip-flops?

BM4: Yes.

BM3: But they're so comfy ...

BM4: Are we at the beach? Can't we flatter our calves for just ONE day? Just one ...

BM3: Whatever. Our groomsmen are so short - would you have preferred towering over them?

BM4: Yes. Yes I would have.

Hate. Plain and Simple.

Euf.

Where do I even begin?

Hate the cut.

Hate the color.

Hate the fabric.

Hate the shawl.

Hate the bouquet.

And while we're at it...

Hate the pose.

Hate the photographer.

And don't even get me started on the bride's ridiculous looking veil....

Sorry wedding party. But I kinda hate it ALL.

Saved by the Bell: The College Years

"Get to the chapel before the bell rings ..."

(Jessie sits in the common room, reading. Margot enters barefoot from next door.)

Jessie: Hey, I thought you were studying ... don't you have your big Cal final tomorrow?
Margot: Yeah ... I needed a break.
Jessie: I hear ya. Hey, cute dress -- is that what you're wearing to the costume party next week?
Margot: Huh?
Jessie: 5th floor New Rez is throwing a costume party next Friday and all of Douglas is invited. Are you going?
Margot: I hadn't thought of it, but maybe ...
Jessie: Oh. Well, I thought you were trying that dress on for the party. Are you gonna wear your hair that way??

Margot: I mean, I don't know ... I'm actually on my way out right now ... I guess I'll think about it later?
Jessie: OOOOOOH! Where are you going?
Margot: To my wedding.

Jessie: TO YOUR WEDDING? YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
Margot: Yeah, I thought you knew.
Jessie: I didn't know. Well, congratulations! Can I see your ring?
Margot: Well actually, the ring is just an heirloom -- it used to be my great-grandmother's and I'm wearing it for good luck. Rob proposed with this animal bracelet, though.

Jessie: ooooooooooh - did you get the farm animals or the domestic animals?
Margot: This one is a cat.
Jessie: My eight year-old cousin has a bunch of these ... they're super cool.
Margot: Yeah, all of 3rd floor is wearing them ... I think they're trendy now or something.
Jessie: Yeah.
Margot: Ok, well, gotta run. See you next week, maybe. Have fun at the party if I don't end up going.
Jessie: I will! Have fun at the wedding! OMG, I can't believe you're getting MARRIED!
Margot: I know, right?

Closer, Let me Whisper in Your Ear ...

CCB: I found another one.

celia: Another what?

CCB: Oh, you'll see ...

celia: Ah. One of THESE.

CCB: Do you see what I mean?

celia: Boresville ....

CCB: It's not even that. I mean, whatever, ok, the dress is boring, but it's safe, at least. It's really this that I can't stomach.

celia: No one should have to shoulder that burden. Don't feel bad about it.

CCB: But it makes me so sad when they don't listen to us ...

celia: I know ...

CCB: Didn't we warn them about sleeves and boleros (even though this one has a fun collar)?

celia: We did ...

CCB: And didn't we explain to them how to do monochrome white bouquets?

celia: We did that, too.

CCB: Didn't we spend an ENTIRE EPIC GUIDE explaining it?

celia: oy. I see where this is going ...

CCB: Please pardon my vent, but I'm really frustrated right now. This is a failure of unacceptable proportion.

celia: I know. But it's not our fault - we're good teachers.

CCB: We are.

celia: Some kids just don't study.

CCB: I guess you're right.

celia: They can't all be wedding- planning heroes like we are ...

CCB: No. They certainly can't.

Weddings à la Flo Rida.

Here at WB, we work around the clock. 24/7. Even when on vacay.

While in Fort Lauderdale this past week I couldn't help finding WB-worthy material to share with our lovely readers.

For consistency, let's go the traditional Good vs. Bad route.

The Good:

This photo was taken on the trendy Las Olas blvd. I don't know anything about Zola Keller or her boutique, but I do know that this is one hell of a window display. The dress on the left was ridiculously gorgeous in person. Although it may be difficult to see in the picture, the skirt was made up predominately of feathers which were placed around each swooooshing ruffle. The dress on the right is for a different kind of bride, one who is probably looking for a sexy and glamourous Old-Hollywood type of gown. But this dress is equally as beautiful as the other, in both style and construction. (Although, I must add that I do not think that either dress needed a necklace).

The Bad:

Oh yes. A beach wedding. Right outside my hotel window. Is this a destination wedding, or is this a Floridian couple? Either way, the entire ceremony confuses me.

*Why are they so far away from the water?

(And therefore, so close to the busy street. The bride is standing a couple of feet away from the sidewalk.)

*Why are there so few guests?

(I understand that some people prefer a small and intimate wedding, but lining up six or seven chairs just looks awkward, especially while some guests are standing.)

*Where exactly is the bride walking?

(Is there an aisle or will she just walk in between the awkwardly placed chairs?)

*Did they have to pick the area so close to picnic tables and garbage bins?

(Unacceptable.)

*Most importantly, is anyone shoeless?

(I hope not.)

Thanks, Florida.

Twins

Hmmmm....

On the right: Bride-to-be at her engagement party. Cute dress.

On the left: Mother-of-the-Bride-to-be at her daughter's engagement party. Probably insane.

On what planet is this considered normal human behavior? How did this woman think it was OK for her to essentially copy her daughter at her engagement party? How did the bride not object to this?

So many questions...