The Wrong EmPHAsis, the Wrong SyllAble

"accent" (noun): an element, distinct from those surrounding it, used to denote special importance/significance or to draw particular attention to something (or to itself in an ensemble).

Or, what makes a 'detail' a 'détail.'

Accents on wedding chairs: acceptable comme idée, but be sure to flex your circumflex in the right direction, or you'll fall a little, well, flat.

Hate it or love it, this is a détail:


this is another:


and here, finally, a third:


They might not proclaim earth-shattering statements to write home about, but if nothing else, they make for a (short) conversation piece.

This (and let's, for the sake of argument, ignore how atrocious this spectacle is in general), in any colour, no matter how you tie the knot (or bow), is not even a detail, let alone a détail:


We keep seeing chairs 'accented' this way and ... yawn ... I'm too sleepy even to be böred.

Ahead by a Century

is a great song by The Tragically Hip.

This headband

is behind by two decades by a bride who is Tragically Trying Too Hard, and obviously failing.

(The over-crystalled bodice? The plastic tablecloth cascading in greasy ruffles in pseudo-skirt form? The mismatched earrings? The offensive hairdo? The unoriginal bouquet? The headband is maybe the least of this bride's concerns.)

There were subtler - and much, much prettier - options available to you, bride.

(I know you can see an "epic guide" in the making.)

Color me...

You've seen our Guide to White Bouquets, so we thought it was only fair to share our thoughts on bouquets of the colored variety.

Intrigued?

Read on.

A Guide to Colored Bouquets

by: WB

DO mix it up! Want to stick with the same type of flower? Well then choose a few shades of color to work with. Afraid of using too much color or too much of that flower? Well then spice things up with a variety of flowers!

DO try and embrace some bright colors! Just because you're getting married, doesn't mean the only color palette you can use involves pastels. This bride's wedding was in October, so she chose autumn-friendly tones of orange, yellow and red. How lovely!

Summer wedding? DON'T be afraid to use some darker hues! Sure this bouquet has a variety of flowers AND colors, but when it all works so well together, who could object?

DON'T be boring!! Even if you decide to stick with a one-color/one-flower bouquet, you can still keep it interesting. Feathers! Buttons! Stripes! Bows! Don't be afraid to show a little character, Brides! Or, you will likely just put your guests to sleep with your predictability. No one wants that.

But please, DON'T overdo it! You don't want to seem like a boring bride, but you don't want to give your guests a seizure either. Are those ribbons I see? Was there an Awful Bouquet contest to be won?

DON'T get stuck in the 80s. No matter how many times your mother tells you that V-shaped cascading rose bouquets are "classic", don't listen. She is dead wrong. And probably just reminiscing about her own wedding.

And on on the topic of roses, DON'T opt for the usual red rose bouquet. Been there, done that. Oh, I see, you want to seem a little more original by adding "diamond" studs? How predictable. I'm still grossly unimpressed by your efforts, Bride.

Moral of the story: Fun and original = good. Boring and dreary = bad. But at the same time, try and stick to a theme - choosing either a specific flower or color. No one wants a train-wreck bouquet. Or do they?

Still not sure what is right for you? Let's take a look at a few examples:

For the Traditional Bride:

Soft colors, rich textures, and an intriguing arrangement. A bouquet can be classic, yet still interesting and youthful.

For the Dramatic Bride:

Want to make a statement? Not afraid of a little black? Is Vivienne Westwood your idol? Then this calla lilly bouquet is for you! Incredibly chic and gorgeously dramatic.

For the Fearless Bride:

Colors! Feathers! Pearls! Borderline offensiveness! You don't care. If it's different, you want it. So show those roses-toting brides a thing or two, with this feathered masterpiece!

For the Bride Who needs to Keep her Hands Warm

So you're having a winter wedding. And you want a bouquet AND a fur hand muff...at the same time. Compromise? Never! Just get yourself the innovative Hand Muff Bouquet, and get ready to throw any taste you may have left, right out the window!

For the Bride Who loves Valentine's Day...a lot

Don't you just love hearts? They're just so....romantic! And isn't your wedding day supposed to be about romance and love!? Well then it's only obvious for you to have a heart shaped bouquet! Who cares if the guests gag in your face each time they lay their eyes on the atrocity in your hands? You're in love! And you want to show it! With flowers! (puke)

For the Bride Who has Lost her Mind

Why of course you want an Ardene- inspired beaded bouquet! I mean, nothing is better suited for your blue trimmed dressed! Although, something is definitely missing in this picture....Ah yes. Elbow length gloves. Also to be found at Ardene's. One-stop shopping for our crazy (albeit lovable) Bride!

White-washed -- or NOT

Let's be frank. Since La dame aux camélias, a woman has only been as good as the flowers she bears. Maybe Camille is a bad example for all of the obvious reasons (she was a courtesan, she died of the consumption) and for a series of others. The point is, as much as a bride's dress, her choice of flowers are part and parcel of the success of her big day.

Recently, many brides we've seen have returned to the mores of the prima nocte, when it was customary for young girls to carry daisies and other exclusively white flowers on their wedding day, as an additional symbol of their already assumed purity. Despite our trademark boldness, we don't dislike the idea of an all-white bouquet, but we contend (strongly) that there is a right and a wrong way to go about it.

Presenting, then:

A Guide to White Bouquets
by: WB

DO keep it simple, and DO go all-white, when appropriate, for your bridesmaids. This bride got it:

Fine. We would have preferred seeing the bride holding a *different* bouquet from those that work so well for her girls (especially since most are dark-haired beauties wearing numbers that delightfully and appropriately contrast with their floral arrangements). Still, when the bouquet looks like this:

it's hard to disagree entirely with the decision.

This bride missed it:

The point of having white bouquets for your bridesmaids is to have them pop in some way. These don't. Simply put, it is purely unacceptable to put your girls in washed out beige if you intend on having them carry white bouquets. Un.acceptable. Especially when your centerpieces look like this:

why didn't you go this route for your girls? The white could have been distinctly yours, and everything would have looked so much nicer. What were you thinking, bride? Or were you even thinking at all?

DO enhance an all-white bouquet with a punch of colour. Next to nothing looks nicer, in the fall, than a rich, burnt orange comfortably commingled with a crisp full calla.

DO NOT mistake a variant of white for a punch of colour. Let's put it this way: if you were painting, and you had to add white to whatever colour was on your palette to produce the colour you intend to have stand out against white, reconsider that colour: it probably doesn't work.

DO favour a single-stem (or triple-stem) arrangement - callas work wonderfully - but DO NOT hold it stupidly or have it bound by what looks to be toilet paper. Again, this is your WEDDING, not the makeshift boudoir productions you put on as little girls in your mother's bedroom playing dress-up. Come on.

A few other variants you might like to consider when walking the [white] brick road:

The Rustic Bride

This is perfect for a simple, country girl with a penchant for the modest and the homegrown. Though it features a single type of flower, that flower is NOT a rose. Dare to be original, even when keeping it grassroots.

The Streamlined Bride

We like white roses. We do. It's okay to use a white rose in your bouquet, or even to use several. But *do* mix it up. Afraid of overdoing it? Fine. Choose one other flower - fresia works - and accentuate with a coloured ribbon or, in this case, a stunning neutral. Fresh. Contemporary. Edgy.

The Traditional Bride

Ah, so you love flowers! You can't get enough, but the idea of carrying the botanical gardens down the aisle (rightfully) frightens and apals you. There's a bouquet for you, too. Consider mixing a pair of whites with a pair of greens. It's still an all-white bouquet, but with a healthy hint of variety and vitality.

The Fashion-Forward Bride

You've seen the small, round bouquets. You've seen the bigger, oblong or cascading numbers. You've even seen the round bunches of things that seem to grow within a contrively controlled clime. You're bored with all of that. Try delicately tumbling white baby-orchids, and watch the company stare in awe and admiration at your elegant audacity.

Some approaches we suggest you avoid:

The Bride Who has Lost her Mind

You love Princess Diana and her engagement ring. We get it. You also love shopping at Ardène (and we agree that in a bind and when pressed for $5 costume jewelry, Ardène can be a great place to shop, indeed.) But honestly? This? Are you getting married at the Alan Memorial? At the Douglas? On this planet?

The Bride Who Read Too Many Bridal Magazines

Do you think the caged effect is avant-garde? Do you really think it even can be when combined with white roses and pukebaby's breathpuke?

The Bride who Was Too Cheap to Buy Anything Other than Homely Weeds

It is never okay to hold a bouquet composed entirely of filler (undesirable, too). Never.

So, what did we learn on the show tonight, WBers? It's okay to stay "traditional" and to opt for a white-on-white wedding. But do it with class, do it with panache, commit to it, and think outside the box - or the bunch.

Fellas, what?

Dear Brides,

We at WB believe very much in gender equity, which is why we find it appropriate to remind you, every now and then, that it is not only acceptable, but indeed often charming to include the men in your lives in what seem like even the most banal details pertaining to your big day.

For example, DO have them participate at mixed society bridal showers:


But DO NOT let them get anywhere NEAR the limbo stick.


Also, although we sometimes do encourage you to trust your man's opinion when it comes to bridal party gear, we recommend that you take his suggestions with a grain of salt.


When he said "blue and shiny," he might have meant something like this, but I can guarantee you that he did not mean "the star-spangled bridesmaid."

For further information on how appropriately to consult with your groom on any and all wedding decisions, please do not hesitate to contact us at your leisure.

All best,
WB

Veiled.

Veils.

Another tough issue.

Does one go the traditional route? Or venture off into the unknown?

Luckily, we have made a veil guide.

Please follow closely.

VEIL GUIDE

by: WB

TRADITIONAL VEIL

DO keep it classy and traditional. Yes, it is true that nothing bores me more than the type of traditional veil this bride decided to wear. But I will have to admit that there is nothing particularly hideous about it. It is pretty (and I am thankfully she opted out of a tiara). It does not offend my eyes. It just bores me to tears. But maybe it's just me.

DO NOT forget that it is 2009. It is not 1982, and therefore height most definitely does not matter. But at the same time, please DO NOT think that it would be a-ok to just "place" a veil to the top of your head and call it a day. A little bit of volume never hurt anybody. This bride seemed to have forgotten that she is no longer 8 years old and "playing bride" by putting the drapes or sheets on her head. This is actually your wedding day, bride. Put the doily away.

BIRDCAGE VEIL

DO consider wearing a birdcage veil. These veils first caught our attention when Reese Witherspoon's character wore one in the wedding scene in Sweet Home Alabama. There is really nothing more glamourous or dramatic. Veils don't have to be long, cascading and overpowering. It's really unnecessary. And usually, it will just take away from your dress. The birdcage veil is short, sweet and sassy. What more can a bride ask for?

DO NOT gather inspiration from Lady GaGa. She's crazy. You probably aren't.

LESS IS MORE

DO remember that wearing a veil is not obligatory. Usually, keeping it simple is best. Now that doesn't mean you have to be boring. Headpieces are so much fun! Forget the veil and just stick something feathery and glittery in your hair, like this bride.

DO NOT go overboard and wear every single trend out there. Take this bride - she's got a traditional long veil, a birdcage veil AND an atrocious colored feathered headpiece on. No, no and no. You have got to pick one, and stick to it. Attaching a long veil to a birdcage veil really defeats the purpose. And red feathers?? RED? Are you wearing a plume? Is this supposed to be some kind of French Revolution chic? Unacceptable.

(But I do wonder what secret she's telling him?)

Sleeves: An Epic Summary (not for the meek)

Sleeves. The good, the bad, the unacceptable.

Nowadays, we rarely find a bride who wears anything other than a strapless wedding dress. To be honest, when we think of a wedding dress with sleeves, usually images of awful throwbacks to the 80s come to mind. But sleeves seem to be making a comeback.

Some sleeves are good.
Some are bad.
And some are just scary.

The good:

The thing about sleeves is that usually, they have to be delicate. We love the dress in this picture. The sleeves are light and soft and simply add to the overall style of the gown. This dress is for a fashion-forward bride who appreciates the direction sleeves have been taking in la mode today. A sleeve with a good "pouf" is very fashionable today, and a fearless bride will recognise that. Now if only we could find a wedding dress with a good modern shoulder pad à la Balmain.


Most popular sleeved wedding dresses are made with a slight Victorian influence. The dress found here is quite simple, but the high neckline really complements the cut of the sleeve. What's more, the necklace being used to accessorise the dress adds that extra "oomph" and keeps the dress from looking bland.


You know, if you're going to go with sleeves (and you think that a transparent chiffon or lace sleeve is pretty lame), you might as well commit all the way. Sure, this may look like something Keira Knightly might wear while running around a pirate ship with Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp; it's still irresistibly chic. The sleeves are longer, but flow with the silhouette of the gown - a shorter capsleeve just wouldn't do. This number would give any Plain Jane wedding dress a run for its money. Don't be afraid, brides! Grab your fans and show 'em what you've got.

But please, for the love of everything holy, do it with panache.

This, readers, is the wrong way to do a full sleeve.

Exhibit A: The Nostalgic Bride

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I overheard American Apparel talking to Club Monaco circa 1999, and they're not happy with you. Basically, AA wants its bodysuit back, and CM99 can't understand why you would deface one of its off-the-shoulder, business-casual tops by tacking it to a shapeless skirt. Also, though they both appreciate a good detail in their products, neither of them can see why you insisted on having the ribbing in your bodice match your personal va-jay-jay grooming pattern.

Exhibit B: The Cleaning Lady

Did you forget your clogs in the backyard with the chickens and the corn? Everybody loves Cinderella, it's true, but if you're going to emulate her on your wedding day, it might be better to aim for a gown more like the one she wore to the ball, instead of the rags she donned to clean the fireplace.

Exhibit C: The Astro Barbie


Unless you are Jo-Jo Savard or intend to get married on the moon, we don't recommend anything that can even remotely be considered "fanning," "whimsical," "glittery," or "iridescent." Save it for Halloween, though: it would make a fantastic fairy-godmother costume.

This is the wrong way to do a half-sleeve or a quasi-sleeve.

Exhibit A: The Handmaid's Tale



Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote,
Than longen brides to goon on marriages.

Let that be a lesson to all.
(I know it's Renn Faire season. I know. I'm sorry.)

Exhibit B: Sposa Bella


Boleros: were retro-cool for about thirty seconds in 2004. By now they've been done to death. Move on.

Finally, this, dear readers, is the wrong way to do a short sleeve.

Exhibit A: Paper-Doll Pouf



So, remember when you were little, you used to get those books where you could take the cardboard cut-outs of people and prop them up and dress them? Remember how their clothes were always stiff and crumpled? Remember how it was 1989?

Yeah.

Exhibit B:


You know what? Never mind. I was going to give this some mean and snarky title, but I've reconsidered. I really like the top of this gown. I do. I used to have a T-shirt just like that when I was twelve, and I was the envy of every girl in my class, INCLUDING those who had already hit puberty and whose boobs were way bigger than mine. Nothing but good memories, ladies ... nothing but good times.

So, to recap, what did we learn on the show tonight, WBers?
-there is a wrong way to emulate history.
- fortunately, there is also a right way to wear a "period piece" on your big day - just be prepared to cite Chaucer on demand.