Sleeves: An Epic Summary (not for the meek)

Sleeves. The good, the bad, the unacceptable.

Nowadays, we rarely find a bride who wears anything other than a strapless wedding dress. To be honest, when we think of a wedding dress with sleeves, usually images of awful throwbacks to the 80s come to mind. But sleeves seem to be making a comeback.

Some sleeves are good.
Some are bad.
And some are just scary.

The good:

The thing about sleeves is that usually, they have to be delicate. We love the dress in this picture. The sleeves are light and soft and simply add to the overall style of the gown. This dress is for a fashion-forward bride who appreciates the direction sleeves have been taking in la mode today. A sleeve with a good "pouf" is very fashionable today, and a fearless bride will recognise that. Now if only we could find a wedding dress with a good modern shoulder pad à la Balmain.


Most popular sleeved wedding dresses are made with a slight Victorian influence. The dress found here is quite simple, but the high neckline really complements the cut of the sleeve. What's more, the necklace being used to accessorise the dress adds that extra "oomph" and keeps the dress from looking bland.


You know, if you're going to go with sleeves (and you think that a transparent chiffon or lace sleeve is pretty lame), you might as well commit all the way. Sure, this may look like something Keira Knightly might wear while running around a pirate ship with Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp; it's still irresistibly chic. The sleeves are longer, but flow with the silhouette of the gown - a shorter capsleeve just wouldn't do. This number would give any Plain Jane wedding dress a run for its money. Don't be afraid, brides! Grab your fans and show 'em what you've got.

But please, for the love of everything holy, do it with panache.

This, readers, is the wrong way to do a full sleeve.

Exhibit A: The Nostalgic Bride

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I overheard American Apparel talking to Club Monaco circa 1999, and they're not happy with you. Basically, AA wants its bodysuit back, and CM99 can't understand why you would deface one of its off-the-shoulder, business-casual tops by tacking it to a shapeless skirt. Also, though they both appreciate a good detail in their products, neither of them can see why you insisted on having the ribbing in your bodice match your personal va-jay-jay grooming pattern.

Exhibit B: The Cleaning Lady

Did you forget your clogs in the backyard with the chickens and the corn? Everybody loves Cinderella, it's true, but if you're going to emulate her on your wedding day, it might be better to aim for a gown more like the one she wore to the ball, instead of the rags she donned to clean the fireplace.

Exhibit C: The Astro Barbie


Unless you are Jo-Jo Savard or intend to get married on the moon, we don't recommend anything that can even remotely be considered "fanning," "whimsical," "glittery," or "iridescent." Save it for Halloween, though: it would make a fantastic fairy-godmother costume.

This is the wrong way to do a half-sleeve or a quasi-sleeve.

Exhibit A: The Handmaid's Tale



Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote,
Than longen brides to goon on marriages.

Let that be a lesson to all.
(I know it's Renn Faire season. I know. I'm sorry.)

Exhibit B: Sposa Bella


Boleros: were retro-cool for about thirty seconds in 2004. By now they've been done to death. Move on.

Finally, this, dear readers, is the wrong way to do a short sleeve.

Exhibit A: Paper-Doll Pouf



So, remember when you were little, you used to get those books where you could take the cardboard cut-outs of people and prop them up and dress them? Remember how their clothes were always stiff and crumpled? Remember how it was 1989?

Yeah.

Exhibit B:


You know what? Never mind. I was going to give this some mean and snarky title, but I've reconsidered. I really like the top of this gown. I do. I used to have a T-shirt just like that when I was twelve, and I was the envy of every girl in my class, INCLUDING those who had already hit puberty and whose boobs were way bigger than mine. Nothing but good memories, ladies ... nothing but good times.

So, to recap, what did we learn on the show tonight, WBers?
-there is a wrong way to emulate history.
- fortunately, there is also a right way to wear a "period piece" on your big day - just be prepared to cite Chaucer on demand.