Love Handles

BM1: I shouldn't have eaten so much at lunch ...

BM2: Whatever. You're not even that bad. My pastrami-on-rye is showing straight through my spanks.

BM1: Really, Kristen? You made us all wear SPANDEX? Seriously?

BM2: I know, right? Like, she keeps our dresses knee-length and cleavage-conservative but gets them in the tightest, most unforgiving fabric known to man.

BM1: I mean, we all like to bike, it's true, but I like to save my spandex for the road.

BM3: Am I the only one who's really happy about these flip-flops?

BM4: Yes.

BM3: But they're so comfy ...

BM4: Are we at the beach? Can't we flatter our calves for just ONE day? Just one ...

BM3: Whatever. Our groomsmen are so short - would you have preferred towering over them?

BM4: Yes. Yes I would have.

Some take the High Road

while we take the low road, and we'll be in Scotland before them ...

I just googled "Scottish folk music" and stumbled upon a list of great classics, not any of which tells a happy tale of long-lived, felicitous love. Why so glum, sugar plums? Do all your bonnie lasses really leave you for their gypsy rovers? Hardly likely. More plausible: none of you insular bards ever came across this unlikely source of inspirational wedding-ceremony bliss:

and that's just the beginning.

So, this wedding is perfect, we decided. But for the sake of the argument, we'll throw in a formal evaluation. What's more: we'll do it à la TLC's "Four Weddings" (because, let's be honest, who are we if not judges and TLC whores?).

The show rates weddings based on the following four categories:

1) dress

2) venue

3) food

4) overall experience

We might have to substitute "food" with "miscellanea" because although our senses are acute, they're not so sharp that we can pronounce judgment on things they've never experienced.

Humour us.

And let's begin:

1) dress

I dare any of you to find me a single flaw with this dress. One. Single. Flaw. Just one. The fit: impeccable. Design: not so ornate that it induces epileptic seizure, but not so boring that it inspires sleep. The detailing is tasteful, the cut complimentary, the overall look divine. And while we're at it, let's talk about the bouquet. Didn't we tell you long ago that we loved an orchid variant on the single-stem arrangement? Yes. Yes we did. Sometimes, readers, you make us so proud, our eyes hurt with love. They HURT with pure, unadulterated love.

10 (+2 point bonus for feathered headpiece)

2) venue

See above, really, x2. I'm not sure this couple could have managed to find a more genuinely - and not cheesily - picturesque location for their wedding. Nor do I think they could have managed to make a small ceremony in something that doesn't look like a church so becoming. These chairs are a nice alternative to pews. This space - from the stone to the wood panelling - is understated but stately. There is so much class in this place that I may never teach again.

10

3) miscellanea

I'm not quite sure where to begin, but let's start with the groom. Let's talk about how dashing he looks in his kilt. Let's discuss the tears he is openly and unapologetically wiping away. Let's talk about his matching ring bearer.

Let's all agree that without knowing him, we would probably marry this groom in a heartbeat if he weren't already taken.

Let's talk, next, about this bride's ring. We've more than once lamented the fall of the conventional look to this streamlined "minimalism" we occasionally hate. And if this bride weren't so distinctly and obviously athletic, if her nails were not so naturally manicured, and if she didn't strike us as such a sophisticated, 30-something composition of grace and style, we would probably hate her ring. But we don't. We love it. We want it.

We also want our bridesmaids to look this cute drinking from their groomsmen's flasks on our wedding days. We want them to wear dresses that, because tailored to their bodies but still uniform to our scheme, look good on them. We want them to be just as pretty as we are (okay, maybe not JUST as pretty, but close) on our big day. We want everyone to be fortunately accessoried and coiffed. We do. We look forward to it.

10

4) overall experience

I mean, in case it wasn't clear, we give this wedding 100%. Even the photographers' introductory blurb to their festivities spoke of a down-to-earth sincerity and natural comfort to this production that not only set everyone at ease, but insured every guest's enjoyment from start to finish.

Well-done, couple. You can take 100% from WB to the bank -- readers may never see one again.

Hate. Plain and Simple.

Euf.

Where do I even begin?

Hate the cut.

Hate the color.

Hate the fabric.

Hate the shawl.

Hate the bouquet.

And while we're at it...

Hate the pose.

Hate the photographer.

And don't even get me started on the bride's ridiculous looking veil....

Sorry wedding party. But I kinda hate it ALL.

Lovers' Quarrel

Now. Dissent among the troops is SO uncommon here at WB. I mean, let's face it: celia and I are like Ulysses and Diomedes burning in the same flame in the extreme depths of Dante's hell ... and we LIKE it like that. But every now and then, someone throws a stick in the spokes of our (new) wheels, and this happens:

Alan Maudie photography: what are your thoughts on this?

CCB: LOVE it.

celia: HATE it.

CCB: WHAT? Why?

celia: WHAT? How?

CCB and celia: The green vests! The paisley ties! The green vests and the paisley ties together!

celia: oy

CCB: We COMPLETELY disagree on this one.

celia: I LOVE that we do.

CCB: How could you hate this? It's so fun and fresh and original!

celia: This looks like a crazy-house to me.

CCB: That's precisely what I like about it. My ONLY issue is that maybe it's a little much with all the flowers ... even though the boutonniers are kind of adorable and I'm totally in love with these centerpieces.

celia: Ok. These centerpieces are SUPER cute! The tin planters are the best part. And the boutonniers are solid.

CCB: Alright, so we don't disagree on life yet. Promising.

celia: Phew.

Weigh in today - hate it or love it?

Saved by the Bell: The College Years

"Get to the chapel before the bell rings ..."

(Jessie sits in the common room, reading. Margot enters barefoot from next door.)

Jessie: Hey, I thought you were studying ... don't you have your big Cal final tomorrow?
Margot: Yeah ... I needed a break.
Jessie: I hear ya. Hey, cute dress -- is that what you're wearing to the costume party next week?
Margot: Huh?
Jessie: 5th floor New Rez is throwing a costume party next Friday and all of Douglas is invited. Are you going?
Margot: I hadn't thought of it, but maybe ...
Jessie: Oh. Well, I thought you were trying that dress on for the party. Are you gonna wear your hair that way??

Margot: I mean, I don't know ... I'm actually on my way out right now ... I guess I'll think about it later?
Jessie: OOOOOOH! Where are you going?
Margot: To my wedding.

Jessie: TO YOUR WEDDING? YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
Margot: Yeah, I thought you knew.
Jessie: I didn't know. Well, congratulations! Can I see your ring?
Margot: Well actually, the ring is just an heirloom -- it used to be my great-grandmother's and I'm wearing it for good luck. Rob proposed with this animal bracelet, though.

Jessie: ooooooooooh - did you get the farm animals or the domestic animals?
Margot: This one is a cat.
Jessie: My eight year-old cousin has a bunch of these ... they're super cool.
Margot: Yeah, all of 3rd floor is wearing them ... I think they're trendy now or something.
Jessie: Yeah.
Margot: Ok, well, gotta run. See you next week, maybe. Have fun at the party if I don't end up going.
Jessie: I will! Have fun at the wedding! OMG, I can't believe you're getting MARRIED!
Margot: I know, right?

Something Blue

Monochrome bouquet, done well:

Pretty, unexpectedly classic.

5 points.

Matching (but not overly matchy) boutonniers:

3 points.

Total: 8

Take it. Be happy with it. Be grateful that we're not taking points away for this:

while contemplating existence on a Saturday afternoon...

While perusing one of our favorite websites, TIMCHIN Photography & Design everyone at WB were overcome with glee - we finally found a Bride who did (almost) everything right!

celia : oooh stephanie and morris' wedding! i LIKE it! her gown is one of a kind, they say.

CCB: holy jesus, is it ever. LOVE the shoes.

celia: i know! there are feathers on her shoes, bouquet, and even on the groom's boutonniere!

CCB: THIS is a bride who listened to us.

celia: i can't believe it! her dress may be a little "superhero", but i LIKE.

celia: i'm even OK with her veil. and her hair, because the curls look natural.

CCB: agreed. she's generally well-accessorized. she didn't overdo it, but certainly didn't underdo it either.

celia: check out their rings! nice!

CCB: wait. lovers forever? cheese. but cute, i guess.

celia: well the engraving in AWFUL. but i love that they used rose gold!

CCB: also, her gown has pockets. which i don't usually like, but i love how they look with the high-set bracelets!

celia: ooohhh i didn't even notice the pockets!

CCB: you see?

celia: LOVE.

CCB: i knew you would.

celia: what about the bridesmaids? what do you think?

CCB: i like the fact that there are two colours in the scheme. overtly. and done well.

celia: it looks great because it matches, but isn't "matchy-matchy". success! although i wish they had chose a better fabric. one that wouldn't wrinkle as easily.

CCB: maybe it was meant to look wrinkled?

celia: i don't know how i feel about that.

CCB: i like the flowers in the bms' hair.

celia: me too. but i don't like that the green girls' flowers are blue. i wish there was some more green in them.

CCB: i don't mind that so much. i think it's ok. the bm at the far right has really hot shoes.

celia: yes. she looks very put together and the least wrinkled.

CCB: she looks familiar to me. i think maybe i went to elementary school with her. she was a disaster then. but, what do you know at 11 years old?

celia: true. i wore hats all the time at 11. like, inspired by blossom. it was my signature look.

CCB: some things never change.

.....

CCB: i wonder how thrilled the Chins would be if they knew that we had already booked them for our respective weddings. in our brains.

celia: they would be thrilled, i'm sure.

CCB: they seem like nice people.

celia: we would inspire the hell out of them.

CCB: we really would.

Closer, Let me Whisper in Your Ear ...

CCB: I found another one.

celia: Another what?

CCB: Oh, you'll see ...

celia: Ah. One of THESE.

CCB: Do you see what I mean?

celia: Boresville ....

CCB: It's not even that. I mean, whatever, ok, the dress is boring, but it's safe, at least. It's really this that I can't stomach.

celia: No one should have to shoulder that burden. Don't feel bad about it.

CCB: But it makes me so sad when they don't listen to us ...

celia: I know ...

CCB: Didn't we warn them about sleeves and boleros (even though this one has a fun collar)?

celia: We did ...

CCB: And didn't we explain to them how to do monochrome white bouquets?

celia: We did that, too.

CCB: Didn't we spend an ENTIRE EPIC GUIDE explaining it?

celia: oy. I see where this is going ...

CCB: Please pardon my vent, but I'm really frustrated right now. This is a failure of unacceptable proportion.

celia: I know. But it's not our fault - we're good teachers.

CCB: We are.

celia: Some kids just don't study.

CCB: I guess you're right.

celia: They can't all be wedding- planning heroes like we are ...

CCB: No. They certainly can't.

I Do (Mean Business)

So, I wasn't completely sold on this dress when I first saw it. It's certainly cute, but it's a little ... business-lunch for me. Am I wrong? The slate grey, the structured A-line, the high neck, the stiff(ish) fabric ....

(and no, she is not wearing a cape, and yes, I wondered if that's what that yellow stuff behind her was at first, too. If ONLY it were a cape; it's nothing but a very anti-climactic tablecloth.)

Then I scrolled down (to what unexpectedly became the opposite of a "scroll-down fug"):

And fell a little bit in love.

(The shoes! Oh, the shoes!)

Let's not exaggerate. I'm not thinking about asking this outfit to marry me next month. I have to get to know it a little better before I can take the plunge, but I'm willing to do that, now. I'm willing to get to know it a little bit better, because it showed me that it had a more interesting side: one that is satin and yellow, and full of summer fun!

Everyone (with cute shoes) deserves a second chance.

and Miami Makes Three

Florida has been having a good (and sometimes bad, but on the whole, acceptable) month. To wit, the third of an unplanned series on The South and the Things it Does Well.

Exhibit C: BM dresses

We LOVE these dresses. We love everything about them: the length, the double (complimentary) fabric, the draping, the originality. In short: they are wedding-appropriate and contemporary without feeling like cocktail dresses.

Some girls went awry with footwear and accessories. Black shoes? Really? A choker or chunky silver necklace dangling a heavy silver heart? ... not so much.

The near-identical pink in the lily bouquets do give a "matchy-matchy" effect to the whole ensemble, but not so egregious that it takes away from the look, when executed well (as below).

Miami, that's hot. WB approves.

Weddings à la Flo Rida.

Here at WB, we work around the clock. 24/7. Even when on vacay.

While in Fort Lauderdale this past week I couldn't help finding WB-worthy material to share with our lovely readers.

For consistency, let's go the traditional Good vs. Bad route.

The Good:

This photo was taken on the trendy Las Olas blvd. I don't know anything about Zola Keller or her boutique, but I do know that this is one hell of a window display. The dress on the left was ridiculously gorgeous in person. Although it may be difficult to see in the picture, the skirt was made up predominately of feathers which were placed around each swooooshing ruffle. The dress on the right is for a different kind of bride, one who is probably looking for a sexy and glamourous Old-Hollywood type of gown. But this dress is equally as beautiful as the other, in both style and construction. (Although, I must add that I do not think that either dress needed a necklace).

The Bad:

Oh yes. A beach wedding. Right outside my hotel window. Is this a destination wedding, or is this a Floridian couple? Either way, the entire ceremony confuses me.

*Why are they so far away from the water?

(And therefore, so close to the busy street. The bride is standing a couple of feet away from the sidewalk.)

*Why are there so few guests?

(I understand that some people prefer a small and intimate wedding, but lining up six or seven chairs just looks awkward, especially while some guests are standing.)

*Where exactly is the bride walking?

(Is there an aisle or will she just walk in between the awkwardly placed chairs?)

*Did they have to pick the area so close to picnic tables and garbage bins?

(Unacceptable.)

*Most importantly, is anyone shoeless?

(I hope not.)

Thanks, Florida.

Twins

Hmmmm....

On the right: Bride-to-be at her engagement party. Cute dress.

On the left: Mother-of-the-Bride-to-be at her daughter's engagement party. Probably insane.

On what planet is this considered normal human behavior? How did this woman think it was OK for her to essentially copy her daughter at her engagement party? How did the bride not object to this?

So many questions...